Dear J.J. Abrams,
Congratulations on being given the chance to direct a Star Trek movie! I’ll be honest and admit that I’ve never been a big fan of most of your other projects, but I also know you can’t possibly do a worse job with Trek than Bermaga did, so I look forward to seeing what you have to offer us.
However, this letter is intended to address something of vital importance to a significant and vocal portion of the online fan community: namely, Zachary Quinto’s eyebrows. I know this may not seem like a big deal to you. But what you need to understand is that many of us have spent months trying to get others to fully appreciate Zach’s work on Heroes, and our efforts are often met with a scornful, “That guy is creepy and he needs to do something about those damn eyebrows.”
I know it’s hard to believe that people with such ignorant beliefs could exist, but they do! Personally, I don’t really see why anyone would have an objection to the eyebrows. Yes, they’re extremely full, but they actually draw attention to those lovely huge brown eyes of his in quite a complimentary fashion. Even if one does experience a few moments of trepidation over them, they very quickly say to one, “We’re here, we’re attached to the rest of him, get used to it.” They’re such a part of him that it’s impossible to imagine him without them–or to even imagine why anyone would WANT to imagine him without them. So perhaps now you can begin to fathom why, after many attempts to make the ignorant understand this basic truth, we have become passionate about, and emotionally invested in, the integrity and intense beauty of the eyebrows.
Now, as a mild-to-moderate Trekkie, I am extremely well aware–probably more aware than Zach himself, judging by his humble admission that he didn’t understand Vulcans had emotions–that Vulcans are portrayed as having very distinctive, high, thin eyebrows. I know that some Trekkies will probably mount an impassioned argument with this as a “defense” for mutilating Zach’s eyebrows. To these people, I say: fuck off. Yes, continuity and canon are vital to maintaining a realistic, believable universe such as the one that the characters of Star Trek inhabit. But they are nowhere near as vital as the need to preserve Zach’s sweet, lovely, thick eyebrows. So, I would like to offer you a couple of suggestions on how to deal with this potentially explosive situation:
(1) Spock very likely could have inherited human eyebrows from Amanda. Since it’s been hinted that this movie may examine a period in Spock’s life when he was struggling to reconcile the two sides of his heritage, what better way to reflect that struggle than to give him human eyebrows?
(2) Klingon forehead ridges. Yeah, that’s right, bitch, I’m going there. Why didn’t they have them in TOS? Huh? “We do not speak of it to outsiders.” And why is that? Because Roddenberry himself couldn’t come up with a decent retcon for it! Find a way, Abrams. Find a way to explain the eyebrows, or we will become very upset. This is not a threat–this is a promise.
Also, I would like to take the time to note that in real life, I have the same first name as Spock’s mother. That has absolutely nothing to do with the subject matter of this letter, but I think it’s really cool and like to mention it as often as possible.
I hope this letter has made you fully understand the seriousness of this matter, and the intense need you should feel to prevent any molestation or mutilation of Zach’s eyebrows. Keep in mind that we will all be watching you very closely over the next few months. We may not know where you, or any professional waxers whom you may employ on your productions, live, but we can always find out. (OK, yes, THAT is a threat.)
Very cordially yours,
Amanda
